Five Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving

My family was grateful for movies this Thanksgiving. We watched three in a row. All of us had a good time criticizing the protagonist’s zombie-fighting technique. We’ve figured out a Thanksgiving that works for us. This list is for you if you’re still in the experimental stage. Use it as a short cut.

  • Don’t call out your relatives on their political beliefs. Unless you want cranberry sauce thrown in your face, or don’t want to hear from those relatives again until next Thanksgiving. If that’s the case, then go for it.
  • Don’t camp in front of Best Buy. Those tents look ridiculous.
  • Don’t stick the chef with the dishes. One day they will retaliate. Arsenic in the stuffing, anyone?
  • Don’t make anyone eat something they don’t want to. When we were little, my dad forced my sister to eat creamed onions and she threw up. She has never let him forget it.
  • If you’re stuck in the front row of the theater, don’t hesitate to steal someone else’s seats if they don’t show up. We did it and we got away with it.

On Black Friday, stay in your sweats and listen to Christmas carols.



Cozy Things to do in November

Five guests (including me) said the same thing when we walked into the potluck last night: “wow, it’s warm.” The host had wood stove and we all shivered from the cold outside. If I had my way, I’d spend the month of November under the blankets with a book. Here are five cozy things to do when it’s chilly.

  • Take a long, hot bath. Get bath salts and a loofah, the whole nine yards. Your skin will be warm and your muscles will feel like overcooked noodles—in a good way.
  • If you get good, you can eliminate holiday shopping this way. Sprinting around the mall looking for something other than a gift card is no fun whatsoever.
  • Cuddle your animals. The only downside to this is that they’ll eventually think they have the right to sleep on your face.
  • Read a funny book. Nothing warms you up like a good chuckle.
  • Stock up on the hot beverage of your choice. Mine is tea. Your family (like mine) may complain that it takes too long to make; don’t listen to them.

If these don’t work, there’s always Hawaii—where the Northwest goes in the winter.

Morning after Election Blues

When I heard that Trump won, my jaw dropped. My mother said it was the worst election of her life, and she’s been around since the 50s. She lived through President Nixon. We elected a man who said that he liked to “grab [women] by the pussy.” Sixty-five percent of all women have experienced street harassment and 23% have been sexually touched. Trump helped create those statistics. I’m going through the five stages of grief right now, but the last stage isn’t acceptance. It’s action. These are things we’ll have to fight for with Trump in office.

1). The EPA, which Trump has promised to get rid of. I live by the water surrounded by trees.  I’ve seen bald eagles and river otters lounging on the docks. The otters follow us creepily whenever we go swimming. I’d like them to follow the next generation too.

2.) The rights of our minority citizens. Many of the people I knew in college were gay/lesbian, and one of my friends was Muslim. She told us she was worried about Trump. I told her he was too crazy to get elected. She was right. I was wrong.

3.) Gun restrictions. We’ve had six mass shootings since 2015. That’s six too many.

4.) Planned Parenthood. It’s first on the chopping block. Trump said women who got abortions should be punished. A man who assaults women isn’t likely to care about their health.

The great thing about democracy is that citizens can fight peacefully for the things they believe in. Now is the time to do so, so that when we tell our minority friends that something is too crazy to happen, we’ll be right.

Ways to Have Fun in Seattle

My sister is a Huskie, so I’ve been in Seattle a lot recently. First, dear God the traffic is awful. The freeway turned into a parking lot at three in the afternoon. Second, the food is delicious so I’m going back anyway. Here is a list of ways to embrace your inner tourist and have fun in Seattle.

1). See the Space Needle. No, the swaying isn’t an earthquake. They built the Needle so it would move at the top. Have fun messing with any friends/family members who don’t know that.

2). Go for a walk in the Arboretum. Make it quick before all the leaves fall off.

3). Visit the EMP Museum of popular culture/science-fiction. They have a personality quiz where they tell you your fantasy archetype. I got the unlikely hero. But if you expect me to take the ring to Mordor, you will be sadly disappointed.

4.) Shop at Pike Place Market. Tip: The lower levels have fewer crowds. If you like having elbow room, or even shoulder room, those are the levels to go to.

5.) Study the exhibits at the Chihuly Glass Museum. The glass looks like it’s alive. Don’t touch anything for obvious reasons.

Lastly, if you make a mistake driving in downtown Seattle…congratulations, you have a new destination. Because you will never get the chance to turn around.