On the Third Decade of Christmas

On the Third Decade of Christmas

When you celebrate holidays as an adult, you don’t start them off with a chocolate orgy. Instead you choose a couple of Lindor and a candy cane and feel self-righteous. Here’s some of what happens when you get older and start wanting clothes instead of stuffed animals.

1.) You can pay for gifts. Twenty dollars is no longer out of your price range. Then you get ripped off by FedEx who charges you eight dollars for bubble wrap.

2.) Your parents get up before you do. If you wait to get yourself a cup of tea, you should take them their stocking, so they have something to play with. Otherwise they will make fun of you.

3.) Putting up lights is still a hassle. Make your family do it.

4.) You no longer play “Alvin and the Chipmunks.”

5.)Peppermint bark is as delicious as ever.

Lastly, when your parents call you their baby, you roll your eyes and remind them your 23. Then you hug them, because some things don’t change.


Holiday Shopping: Where Am I and Why Am I Holding a Food Processor?

Holiday Shopping: Where Am I and Why Am I Holding a Food Processor?

I read a book in college where an elderly couple got lost in the mall and died of “lingering dread.” After holiday shopping yesterday, I can see how that could happen. Nothing like crowds, too bright lights, and bad recordings of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” to make you wish you’d stayed home. Here’s how to get through it.

1.) It’s a bad sign when the customer service rep says, “Let me check you in” instead of “Let me help you.”

2.) Pedestrians are like rabbits. They dart out and don’t know where they’re going. You’re on the naughty list if you hit one.

3.) Baked goods are tricky. People have a lot already. On the other hand, my neighbor gave me homemade caramel sauce that should be a controlled substance so…this tip is no help at all.

4.) If you’re not close with the receiver, try an ornament. It says: “I don’t know you well, but I kind of like you and thought this was pretty.”

5.) Make your hard to buy for relatives write a Christmas list. Otherwise they end up with way too many coffee mugs.

Lastly, it will all be worth it on Christmas morning when you wake up and realize you don’t have to leave the house.