I am an expert chef, a virtuoso if you will…with the microwave. This tip list is for you if, like me, you enjoy Netflix and chicken tikka masala from a package. It’s preparation for the day, perhaps Thanksgiving, when a relative corners you and press gangs you into the kitchen.
- If you’re baking a cake, don’t pour the batter into one pan. I did that once and it set off the fire alarm. That was the same time I couldn’t find the measurements, decided there weren’t any, and poured in random of amounts of each ingredient. It tasted surprisingly good.
- When you make pasta, boil the water before you pour the noodles in. My sister didn’t trust me to do this, so she stood over me the whole time and put them in herself when my back was turned.
- Oven mitts are your friend. If you don’t have mitts, use a towel. Burned hands lead to dropping things. Then the dish will shatter on the floor and food particles will spray half-way up the fridge.
- It is possible to make a cupcake with cookie dough frosting and a cookie dough center. Google it and wheedle one of your friends/relatives to make it for you.
If all else fails, you still have your chicken tikka. Or even better, ice cream—the ultimate frozen food.
My mother recently took a traveling job as a nurse practitioner and I’ve been watching the house for her during the week. Since then, I’ve discovered that there are certain things that need to be done semi-regularly or there will be problems. For example, if I don’t take the compost out every night then I’ll end up with a swarm of fruit flies that look like something out of a horror movie. If I don’t let the cat in, she’ll meow and scratch at the door. I’m not actually supposed to do that last one. There’s a cat door six feet away, but she insists. To make housekeeping easier, I’ve composed this handy list of things that need to be done so I don’t forget.
- Water the plants. It’s over eighty degrees out and if I don’t water them they will die.
- Give the pets their medication. Some pets are high maintenance and need regular meds. We once had a cat that was on Prozac.
- Clean the bathroom. If the bathroom isn’t clean, then it starts to smell. No one wants a bathroom that smells like the things they came in there to do.
- Take out the garbage. After a while, it piles up and turns into a mountain. Then things start sliding off of it and it’s a pain in the neck.
- Grocery shopping. It helps to look in the fridge before I go so I don’t get two of the same thing or miss anything important.
- Mow the lawn. I’ve been procrastinating on this one. I told myself I’d do it last weekend, but I hung out with family instead. Then I told myself I’d do it on Monday and a friend came over.
- Weed constantly. It’s the only way to keep the jungle from taking over. Especially in the northwest.
I hope this list is helpful both to me and to whoever’s reading this. Unless I have no audience and I’m writing into the void. If that’s the case, then I have a message for myself: Get off the computer and stop procrastinating on the lawn.
After I left college, I moved back in with my mom. I had spent my last semester applying to graduate schools instead of looking for a job. All seven of the programs I applied to rejected me. This was bad in that my long term plans blew up in my face, but good in that I wouldn’t have to write essays for a while.
Moving back home has been like trying to put on an old, much loved jacket and discovering that it is now too small. As well as my mom and I usually get along, there are things we do that bug each other. I try to do the dishes when she’s making dinner and end up in her way. She listens to the radio to get to sleep, whereas I like it silent. To minimize the arguments, I have created this list of tips for living together smoothly.
- Do your chores. Yesterday, my mom taught me to use the lawnmower for the first time. I learned there is a vent on the side that sprays out all the grass clippings. If you stand near this vent and the lawnmower has been started on a gravel driveway, then it will shoot gravel at you. Take it from me.
- It’s not personal. Often, parents are upset for reasons that have nothing to do with you. They may have had a bad day at work or an afternoon of printer trouble. (Our printer is evil and should be destroyed.) Go out for a walk and leave them alone for a while.
- Look for a job. Parents are more understanding when they see that you’re trying.
- Find a show on Netflix that you both like. For us, it is FBI/police murder mystery shows. There’s something about wise cracking serial killers and exploding cars that helps us relax at the end of a long day. (If there is a car crash on one of these shows, then the car will It’s automatic.)
- Keep in touch with friends. You’re going to need someone to rant to if things at home aren’t going so great. That’s what friends are for. Preferably, any and all ranting sessions should happen at a place where there is good food. It’s hard to stay angry with a mocha crepe melting in your mouth.
Good luck and remember that the food thing works with parents too. If all else fails, force feed them an omelet and some sweet potato fries. Assuming you can cook an omelet. Otherwise go with tea.